The Slave Girls

Ok, don’t ask me why I chose this graphic for this post other than the fact that I read it and laughed. I have a million different little 100×100 graphics and I’m always collecting more. You could say I’m a bit of an icon whore and when the icon fits, I just have to use it. For the record though, I love being pummeled by blunt weapons. Ok, floggers and thuddy things are my absolute favorite but yeah, I love a good beating and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Now, I suppose I should tell the world where I’ve been for two months. Honestly, in hiding. A lot has happened since TEASE and some of it is good, some of it not so good. So, basically…life got me and I’m in the process of fighting my way back out. Part of that process was sitting down with Daddy and re-organizing my routines. The old ones were a combination of not working and me not doing. So, we made a new set and set a new date and today was day 1.

How did they go? Surprisingly well. I had a tough time getting out of bed this morning, but I knew that I had a certain amount of time to get showered, teeth brushed and my body dressed. I was also supposed to have breakfast, but I had to run next door to talk to the new neighbor about the dog they were fostering. I found a really handsome, sweet beagle running around my yard (in the rain) the other night and when I went over to see if he belonged to them, they offered to take him in while we try to find his owner. No luck on the old owner yet but they’ve decided to keep him if they can’t be found. So, I had a good reason for running a little late on the whole breakfast thing.

Other than that, I got through my list. I made the phone calls that I needed to. I did some housework. I even did the wii for nearly an hour! Part of the plan for me is for me to try to get more in shape. Of course, part of that has to be exercise which is something I’m horrible at. Daddy assigned me 30 minutes of Wii time a day plus a walk to the mailbox.  I should probably mention that our mailbox isn’t on our house but on another street here in the village.

So, all in all, day 1 went pretty well. It wasn’t perfect but I sure tried. Tomorrow is day 2 and it can only get better, right? I have to say that I’m so glad that I have a Daddy who understands my need for order and routines. I’m a lucky girl that way and in lots of ways.

Now, I’m off. I have to get some dinner and then I get to relax for the rest of the night. Oh, before I go, part of my new routine includes blogging here every Monday so keep your eyes open for new posts! I promise that they’ll be more thoughtful and insightful than this one but for tonight, I just wanted to check in and say ……I’m back!

If you go to Fetlife, you can find a top 20 things from TEASE.  I’m finding it very interesting reading and I encourage all of you to check it out, as well. While TEASE wasn’t the best experience of my life and has quite honestly left me in some emotional turmoil, I’ve already put my name in as a Helper for next year’s event.  After all, it isn’t the event’s fault that there were some interpersonal issues that occurred.  That would be like blaming R for the tire blow out that I had while driving 70mph while trapped between traffic and a guard rail. He was the last person to drive the van, but nope, still not his fault. Just one of those things that happen and I’m thankful to still be alive to talk about it. I saw the tire when they went to replace it and trust me, I’m so very lucky to still be here. Clearly the gods aren’t done with me quite yet.  All of that brings me back to my list.

So, in no particular order, here is what I learned:

1. Non-consensual play does not have to include people. It can include barley/rye grass, the sun or even camping forks.

2. When you really need help, people you don’t even know will step forward and make sure that you’re taken care of.

3. Raccoons will eat their way through a tent to get to some seriously delicious bread.

4. When the timing is right for something, I can do it without hesitation and with an immense spiritual satisfaction.

5. Some whiskey/scotch is good. Others cause me to make horrible faces and wipe my mouth and others bring on a round of 1..2..3…cough and gasp for breath. Did I mention there’s something so wonderful about sharing 1..2..3..cough and gasp for breath with a great looking man while sitting around the campfire?

6. I enjoy the smell of some cigars and have caused a strong desire to learn cigar service and a real curiosity about what a couple of ladies at the cigar social did.

7. Bootblack brushes taste nice when licked and have the added benefits of polishing better and turning on the recipient of the bootblacking.

8.  I can go to an incredible space while having red/white hot pokers pressed into my skin to form a one of a kind brand that represents my being a TEASE virgin.

9. I can walk around an event wearing only a bra on top and nobody will even blink.

10.  There is nothing more important to me than my friends and there is a deep and enduring satisfaction in serving them. Service is life but serving those I love speaks to my soul. It calms me. It is like nothing else in the world.

There are other things..like the fact that someone thinks I would look good in a top hat and tails and that I got to meet some incredible people and got to know others from my past better. Really, there is one major thing that I took away from this past weekend. I want more. I want to be more involved. I want to try more. I want more. I want to go to more munches. I want to take more workshops. I want to learn more. I want to get to the point where I can teach more. I want to spend more time among those who understand my kink and my slavehood. I want more.

~posted by katie~

This past weekend, as some may know, I attended TEASE. While it had the potential for being something incredible, it left me full of doubts and questions. I have a couple of posts that came from that weekend, but right now, this is the one that is pressing the hardest on my heart.  The reality is that the weekend has left me questioning so many things and while writing this won’t give me answers, perhaps it will give me some release.

As I mentioned, I attended TEASE. For those who don’t know what that is, it is essentially a kinky camping weekend that includes workshops. I went with the expectations of having an incredible time. I also went in the headspace of being on loan to the dominant that I was attending with.  I was to treat him as if he were my Owner. The first two days I did that. As you may know, TEASE is a 5 day event.  What happened that caused the dynamic to change? The reality is I don’t know.  It is my understanding that his girl couldn’t handle things and that left me floating in the wind. I went from slave to girl who was tossed into the deep end of the pool and expected to win a gold medal on her first time out. I was essentially on my own.

I don’t want to go more into that, really. I just want to post my questions. Perhaps there are others that can give me feedback. Perhaps it’s more just so I can see them in writing and get them out of the confused tangle that is my mind right now.

1.  What did I do wrong? I warned her that I would probably be clingy for the first couple of days because it was a completely new situation. I tried to give them time together. I made sure she always had a spot next to him before I took one.  I loved both of them like family(leather or otherwise) and tried to care for them the same way.

2. Was sitting beside him wrong? Should I have sat across from him, more as an equal than as a slave?

3. How much damage has been done? Have I lost my best friend, on the rare occasion play partner and “surrogate” owner?

I guess the big question is the title of this post. Where do I belong or perhaps Where did I belong? While I’ve been in the lifestyle for over 4 years now, this was a new situation for me. There is a lot that I don’t know and I went by instinct. Instinct told me that if I was to treat him as I would treat my own Owner, I belonged at his side or walking behind them when the 3 of us went somewhere.  What is the proper way for a slave to act when she is out on loan to another Master? There’s just so much that I need to figure out and all of the emotion has left me sick. Literally, sick. Tomorrow I have to pick up my life and keep going and I know it will be difficult because I’m feeling so scared, lost and little.  I need to find a way to release this, but I don’t know if that’s possible right now.

~posted by katie~

Have you ever been running late, gone to your drawer for clean socks and discovered there were none there? Of course you have. We all have. It’s frustrating. It’s annoying and more often than not, we carry those emotions into our day. Now, imagine that, like magic, every time you went to your drawer, it was filled with neatly folded (and matched!) socks, underwear and any other clothes you might need. How would you feel? Loved? Cared for? Instead of chaos, your day could start out smoothly. Isn’t that what we all want for our Dominants/Owners/Masters? We want them to know we care about them and nothing says I love you more than clean socks and underwear.

When people ask me about service, I always say start with the little things. I’ve seen the little things not only make or break a day but also relationships. Start with the things that make your life easier. Chances are they will his too. Fresh clean towels for after his shower or his favorite drink, kept cold, in the fridge. If you make your lunch in the morning, take an extra few minutes and make his too. Folding laundry is one of my favorite household tasks because not only is it serving him, it’s something I can do at his feet. Who knows, once I’m done with that and while I’m down there, maybe I can grab some lotion and massage his feet for him.

One of the biggest roadblocks in service is attitude. In every situation, there are multiple points of view you can take. Let me give you an example:

You come in from a long day at work and the first thing you see is a messy kitchen counter where he didn’t clean up after throwing (and it does look like it was thrown) together some lunch. How do you react?

Notice I said react and not act. Most of us would see that and our first response is to throw a fit. Then we would act like a martyr while cleaning it up or we might flat out refuse to do it. Where does that get us? Angry, miserable and with someone who would rather not deal with us.

Those re words get us into a lot of trouble. What would happen if instead of reacting, we took a step back and remembered how blessed we are to have an Owner/Master/Dominant to clean up after? Then, after having that thought, we choose to act in a way that shows them our appreciation for them. Life sure would be a whole lot easier.

~posted by katie~

In typical me fashion, I had a post all handwritten, sat it by the computer to type up and it’s vanished. Now, I’m not pointing any fingers but I will look pointedly in the direction of the cats. They’re a major part of our family but they have little respect when it comes to a piece of paper that they can slide across the room on. So, let’s just say I’m wingin’ this post…

Communication is key to any relationship. I’m sure we’ve all heard that said a million times. Well, I’m going to say it again. Communication is key to any relationship. It’s especially important in a relationship where you’re trusting the other person with your life. Often, quite literally. I count on Justin to make many of the major decisions in our lives. If I can’t communicate to him what’s happening here, 1,981 miles away, how can he properly make those decisions?

Looking back over the various relationships I’ve had in my life, I’ve come to realize that the first thing to go when things started getting rocky was the communication. Isn’t looking back fun? It’s amazing what you can learn when you have 4 or 5 years in between. Now, like I said, communication was the first thing to go. Could those relationships been saved if we’d properly communicated? No, probably not. Could they have ended on a much more understanding and compassionate note? Absolutely.

Now, I like to think that I’m a good communicator. Heck, I do a radio show three times a week. However, just because a person can speak into a microphone, it doesn’t mean they’re a good communicator. Heck, you can train just about anyone (including animals) to speak into a microphone. What’s important is what the other person hears you saying. Do you speak in such a manner that what you’re saying is clear to the other person? I don’t mean just your pronunciation or diction. I mean your meaning. Do they understand you or are they often left feeling like they’ve missed something? Do you speak with people with an open mind or are you closed down? Open people are much better communicators because they’re not only willing to hear, but they’re willing to listen to what the other person is saying.

What does all of this have to do with slavehood? Well, everything. Like I said before, if I can’t communicate my needs, wants and the “local” happenings to Justin, he can’t make effective decisions. If he can’t make effective decisions, I’m left floating and that leads to frustration and me feeling overwhelmed. Those are never good things. I’m not a great person to live with when I’m completely overwhelmed by life and circumstances.

Now, before any of you say, “but he’s 1,981 miles away. Of course you need communication,” let me stop you. Communication is equally and perhaps in some ways, even more important to those of you who are lucky enough to live with your Owners/Masters/Dominants/Your Title Here. When we live with the person we serve, it is easy to form habits and routines and to get comfortable. As people, our needs sometimes change. Sometimes we need things that we may not have needed before. Sometimes, we only need them for a short while and sometimes we need to revamp everything we’re doing. Sometimes, it’s scary to have to speak to the other person and say, “Hey, this just isn’t working for me. I need ….” Trust me, I know it’s scary. You don’t want to disappoint them. You don’t want to make them feel as if they’re doing something wrong or that they’re just not good enough. (Remind me to post about insecurities sometime soon.)

Trust me though. If you don’t remember anything else from all I’ve written, remember this. Without communication, nothing can change. You will stay in that same position and it will lead to bad things. If your needs aren’t being met within the relationship, you will (perhaps unconsciously) look for ways for them to be met outside of the relationship. I don’t believe in the theory that it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission. That concept can ruin relationships.

So, since this little wing it article has now stretched itself out to over 700 words, I’m going to close with 2 easy to remember points.

1. Without communication, you have nothing.
2. It’s better to communicate and face your fears than to not and have those fears realized.

~posted by katie~

One of the hardest things about our relationship is the gradual disappearance of Thursday Daddy. When we began this adventure, we never planned on falling in love. We never imagined the consequences of that happening. But, we did and it has caused all sorts of issues. It has changed our dynamic as we try to deal with slavehood, distance and sometimes just trying to survive as a couple. When we are together (usually no more than 2-3 times a year), it’s hard for both of us to find the balance. When we’re first together, I want/emotionally need to be his cherished girl. I need to be held and cuddled and made love to. The same thing happens at the end of our time together. The problem is there just isn’t enough in between time. We need that in between time for me to be his slave and for him to be Thursday Daddy. The visits just aren’t long enough. When we’re apart, more and more it seems as if the “coupleness need” has taken over and there is less and less Master and slave there. This is hard because I still need to feel the hand of my Master. I don’t do well floating. While intellectually I can tell you what needs to be done and how to do it, I have a hard time following through. I need accountability. I need the forcefulness of my Thursday Daddy to be blended with the caring of the man who loves me. I need to be his cherished slave; the mix of two parts.

~posted by katie~

I first met Thursday Daddy almost three years ago in Chicago. It was the first time Justin and I had met in person. I was incredibly nervous that when he met me in person, I wouldn’t be what he wanted. Thank goodness I couldn’t have been more wrong. As soon as he saw me, he took me in his arms. As soon as we were alone in the elevator, he had me backed against the wall with his hand under my skirt. As soon as we were alone in the room, he had my dress and bra off in one swift move. He took me that morning. No questions, no negotiations. For two hours, he did what he wanted with me. When he was done, he tucked me into bed and went off to work. After those two hours, I belonged to him. I had found just what had always been missing; a man who could put me at his feet.

~posted by katie~

I took Justin to the airport tonight. Every time it gets harder and harder. One of these days security is going to come up and ask me what’s wrong as I stand there watching him walking away. I stand there, tears running down my face, whispering, “Please turn around..just one more time…” I stand there until I can’t see him anymore and then I force myself to walk back to the van. Tonight, I got to the van and completely broke down, sobbing my heart out. Getting back into that van without him felt wrong. The space felt empty without him. His cup was still in the cup holder and the seat was still in his position. It was all I could do to force myself to leave that parking garage.

So, what did I learn from four too short days with my Master?

1. We’re a family. The boys were here for the weekend with us and it just showed me again that we’re more than just M/s. Together, we’re a family and the M/s can work with that and be a part of that without being weird or causing problems.

2. He’s home for me. Over time, the distance starts to erode my confidence in our relationship but every time I step into his arms, I’m home.

3. Never “schedule” a beating for the night before he’s going to leave. I’m far too emotional to be able to deal with anything more than being kept close.

4. He loves me and he’ll take care of me. Some things happened while he was here and while I paniced, he reassured me and helped to fix the problem. Now, after over 3 years together, we own *our* first piece of furniture. Plus, he worked out the details for 6 months more on this lease.

5. Intense rounds of intimacy often lead to bizarre conversations regarding other couples we know. In this case, it was about R and nickle and it was very, very different.

6. When we haven’t seen each other for 6 months, it’s very hard to find the balance between two people who desperately love each other and a Master and his girl.

7. He is still my favorite person to spend time with. It doesn’t matter if we’re cuddling, cooking, eating or doing anything more naughty. If we’re just being together, we can talk about anything. If we’re doing anything else, we’re so compatible. As he said today, we’re good together. Sometimes the distance gets in the way, but we are good together.

8. So good that he asked me to marry him today. It wasn’t the most romantic proposal but it came from his heart and was sincere and that’s what really matters to this girl’s heart. We don’t know when or where, but it’s just another way that I now belong to him.

9. There’s such a quiet joy in serving him in person. I loved cooking for him and doing small things like getting him more lemonade.

10. A good list always seems to end at 10, but really all it comes down to is that I love him and belong to him and even though the distance totally sucks, I know we’re going to be happy.

And, on that note, I’m going to take myself upstairs. His plane should be landing in an hour and I want to be right there when he calls. I’ve showered and dressed in one of his shirts that he left for me. It’s just another way that he shows me that he loves me. He leaves me shirts he’s worn so that I can smell his scent for as long as that lasts.

So the site has been up for quite a while now and K is the only lovely slave you have met, well not any more! My name is nickle and I am an owned and collared slave to the always debonair R aka Master Quetzalcoatl. My post is going to be pretty short today as I have a million and one things going on right now but I promise to be back again real soon!

Before I leave I have to give a massive shout out to K for her awesome posts! You’re a sister to me too, and you match socks like a pro

luv ya long time

nickle

~posted by katie~

It’s over 12 hours later (or it was when this was originally journaled) and I’m still floating. I woke up feeling as if I’d been up half the night drinking. Once the headache cleared, I quickly realized that I’m still on a high from last night. My mind can only focus on that experience and my body feels a bit electrified. I cannot wait until Justin arrives and we can play.

R seems happy to have had the opportunity to play with me. He said KN and Master J actually paused their scenes to watch us because he was hitting me so hard. He says hard, I say heaven and I am very much hoping that the opportunity arises for us to play again. It was so incredible and didn’t weird me out at all. It may have even brought us closer. After this week, I know that I wouldn’t mind more weeks like this. I don’t remember the last time I felt so loved and cared for outside of my time with Justin.

(end original journal entry)

—————————–
Further thoughts:

Looking back over what I journaled the other day, I realize that I didn’t really talk about the life changing pieces or if I did, it wasn’t very clearly. That’s really not surprising considering the mental state that I was in. So, the rest of this post will be my continued thoughts on what happened and how it’s changed the person that I am.

I’ve never spent any large amount of time with another slave/submissive and spending the week with n was eye opening. I saw a different dynamic and at the same time, one that is very similar to what I share with Justin. I think the best part of spending the week with her, though, was the fact that when I left, I felt as if I not only had a friend, but in some ways, a sister.

That feeling of sisterhood is what led me to thinking about my dynamic with both R and n. If I felt a sisterhood with n, what dynamic did I then have with R? Well, at the most basic level, I think I’ve found someone who will remain one of my closest friends for a very long time. I think we’re good for each other. On a more complex level, this was the first time that Justin had ever shared with me with someone. There was never an explicit order that I was to obey R, but I found that doing so was as natural as me obeying Justin. I did it without second thought. This made me nervous at first, but after talking about it with Justin, I’ve discovered that it actually pleases him. He likes knowing that he can send me there and that I will be well cared for and that R could treat me as if I were his and I’d be ok with that. Now, if someone could have just warned me about the subdrop I was going to experience when I left there.

That brings me to another lesson learned that will forever affect my life. After experiencing things the way I did that night, I’ve learned that I will never, ever even consider travel the following day. My mind was hyperfocused on what had happened at the party and in all honesty, I was probably a hazard to myself and others while driving. I just couldn’t focus on the driving portion. While this really made the drive fly by, it wasn’t safe by any means. In the future, I’m going to require some aftercare that following day. I needed to feel close to R and since he had made plans to go out and I was supposed to be heading home, it just didn’t happen. I think that’s what led to the emotional crash that I felt yesterday. I was back here, Justin still isn’t here and R was busy doing R things. I felt really alone and had a very hard time dealing with that.

So, what’s the big lesson in all of this? I learned more about myself. I learned that I can take a good beating. I learned more about the aftercare I require. I learned that I can serve another man and it actually strengthens my bond with Justin. I also learned that while casual play can be fun, play with someone you really care about can put you in a whole nother place. Oh! And I learned that I cannot wait until my next adventure and I sure do hope that Justin gets up here soon so we can become far more involved with Phoenix-Niagara and their events.

But, for now, I have a house to clean and some research that I want to do. I know next to nothing about Leather Families and how they function and since my time with R and n, it’s something that’s been on my mind and my heart. There’s nothing better than feeling loved, cared for and a part of something. I don’t know how they feel, but I’d like them to have a more solid role in my life. I think that Justin feels the same way.